Coming to terms with my own mortality

This post is about my faith...if are not a very religious person, feel free to skip this.

The drugs I was taking to manage the side my lupus completely destroyed my platelets. Platelets are essential for forming blood clots, I was bruising easily, I damaged a few blood vessels in my eye and felt poorly.Doctors said that I could die,and it was a good time to call my family.

These are my thoughts from around that time.I wrote them down to make sense ,but its never been the right time to share it.I was reminded of this post when my platelet count fell again,my counts are low,but being managed.


I spent hours studying for an anatomy spot test,I watched all the videos,spent extra time in the dissection room,wrote notes and done it again.I teach Sunday school,volunteer with homeless people and refugees,and I have a part time job saving money to enable me to work on mercy ships once I qualify.What is the point? I have lived my entire life striving to do what is right, trying to learn, trying to be more Christ like. And for what! 

 Now it will all be wasted, my skills will never be used. I have so much left to give and it kills me that I can't deliver. I have never been content just being, I want to be doing. But maybe that is the lesson that God has been trying to teach me my whole life. 

I need to be a Human Being not a Human Doing. Maybe, the only lesson He has been trying to teach me is that He loves me and wants to be and rest in Him. I am dispensable. God's will and His plan will prevail regardless because His power is made perfect in our weakness. Being human means I am not content with being weak, it bothers me that I cant sit up for long amounts of time,or see properly.I am not enjoying this ,but I will try to accept it.

Why can''t I be a part of the vision to come; I feel so robbed, so let down, so cheated. I don't know what is happening and  it hurts intensely. But then, it all comes back to towing that line of tension of trust and submission, despite the outcome. Faith and hope comes from knowing that God has saved us for eternity; not from death in this life. If there is one thing that would bring joy to my heart, it would be to know that this simple truth has been engraved on your heart also. There is only one God; in all situations, turn towards Him.


Its Easter holidays,my platelet counts are low again,but this time I am not as bothered,I seem to be filled with serenity.Getting better would be great,but if my condition deteriorates then my views are the same as they where before.